Sorry for my absence at lunch today. I would have loved to be there with you and everybody, but believe me, it was better this way. These have been very difficult times for me, as you can imagine. I spent the past week in front of the computer doing all the imaginable things, except for the only one I really need and want. Maybe most people of our generation know pretty well what this anxiety spiral feels like, but nevertheless I can’t help myself but feeling shame and the most genuine fear I ever felt.
Despite that, I’m trying – the best I can – to be coherent and do myself what I use to tell other people to do. As a consequence, I’m rethinking the past years and even my whole life, little by little. I’ve realized anxiety is, in reality, a good thing. It really is, right? I was never a quiet guy, though, at least not internally. I had always this urge in me as a part of my nature for as long as I remember. Always insecure, even with the best results, and never satisfied. I’m trying to think about it – my anxiety – as a sign that something must be done. That’s exactly what my body and soul are telling me now, with the mouths they have, but I’m so completely lost that I don’t know what to do with that at all. I don’t even know even if I understand my own language while I’m talking to myself.
Did you see my tweet with Adélia’s poem? I’m reading it all the time like the prayer it indeed is. And these are my obsessing verses by now:
Louvado sejas, porque eu quero morrer,
mas tenho medo e insisto em esperar o prometido.
Of course I didn’t post those ones on that tweet. Not even for that I had enough courage. I’m feeling too small, weak, scared as if I was lost in a darkness full of hands. I’m watching my life running down between my feet and doing nothing. In the meanwhile I’m discovering many meaningful things, but all seems useless for I don’t have any idea of what to do with them.
Finally… sorry for the outburst. I thought you should know it, just in case of a bigger absence. Thank you for the most complete everything.